I've been getting many questions lately from the people of the various age groups. So I'll mention two here. One is from a person belonging to the teenage tribe, a freshman and an honor student, and it is "How to deal with the awkward situations at school?" Another one from a much more older person and a parent and it is, "What to do when a teenager distances him or herself from you, when you are trying to be friendly?"
1) The first question has to do with the fact that a teenager is usually encouraged to be a good student and not get distracted from their studies. This creates a separation between an adult and a young individual and the distance widens by the fact that then a young person has to look for an advice in other places - media, peers. As much as a listening ear from a peer (rhyme?:) is a plus, peers have to advise from their own standpoint of their experience, which is usually not great, but is there, and naturally, they want to be respected for it. However, if we recall ourselves in that age, usually it is a lot of neurosis, "do this or that thing", very reactionary, and very much based on a hearsay of other people's opinions. So, we have to look twice, and also understand our own past and our own approach to dealing with other people of the same age. My major set back has been my vulnerability - getting mad for no reason and harboring bad feelings. "My way or highway" as it were. It took me many years to start seeing those feelings in perspective and realize that the 1st thing that comes to mind doesn't have to be the only thing available as a response or the answer to the problem of communication. As a result I often times hold back on any response, and rather choose to have a momentary lapse in the conversation, before I gather my talents, and choose a good response based not on the reflexes, but on something else, call it what you may - reason, experience, or nothing. I think I can't go wrong if I offer it as an advice to a teenager.
2) The second question has to do with the approach. I think the teens usually feel that the "adults" simply don't understand their situation, thus inability to assist. That's true in many ways, as those who we call "adults" don't listen, because they think that they already know, and are very opinionated. This creates a gap in communication. I have tried this technique many times, but it became especially helpful during my student teaching in the last year of college. Back then I decided to do something radical - I erased the boundary of respect that has to exist between the students and myself as their instructor and simply allowed them to be themselves in class. This became a bona fide experience in communication as both sides of the teachers' desk started to feel very comfortable with each other, and there was created a bond of trust. The not-so-great aspect of this was the fact that my department, which was Social Studies did not understand what I was doing, and the fact that what I was proposing was a technique, and not just acting out of being young. Well, whatever it is I can't dwell on the fact that someone doesn't understand my approach, because it works. Erase the age difference, and listen to a teenager or whoever, as you would to an adult. They got a lot to say, and have an amazing level of wit and understanding of their own environment and what is needed to survive in it, from which we can learn.
To make a short summary. in the 1st case to avoid the situation of awkwardness with your peers - just wait. Gather up what you want to say, or accomplish during the next meeting with your friend, or whoever, then go in and share. Allow the silence to do the work for you. In the 2nd case - listen and learn. Forget about the fact that you earned respect - may be you haven't and yet to earn it. Erase the boundary and allow for the other person to be themselves.
Sincerely,
Iggy.
